Bronchoscopy Scheduled

       I want to write a quick recap of what is going on with Grace.  She recently saw an ENT doctor who found that her vocal cords were not just "needing to strengthen", as we've been told for 2 years, but are significantly damaged still.  They are not opening as much as they need to, thus resulting in a restricted airway.  The doctor believes this winter will be very important for her to stay healthy through, and that by the time Grace is 3, she will not be able to run around or ride a tricycle without stopping to catch her breath.  If this is the case, we could be looking at surgery after she's 3. However, he needs her sedated and in the OR to perform a bronchoscopy to get a more detailed look at her vocal cords, so that we can have less "ifs" and more plans on what to do.
        We've finally been able to schedule a date for the bronchoscopy for Grace!  It will be on September 23 at 1:45pm Central Time.  I wish it was sooner so that we could have some more concrete answers about her vocal cords!  Yesterday Grace saw a pulmonologist at Vanderbilt, and he actually thought her lungs were fine-totally clear even with a cold!  That was some GOOD news to hear!  He felt that ALL of her problems; frequent sore throats and colds, some wheezing, coughing, everything is stemming from her vocal cords.  So, while her vocal cords are a HUGE issue, we are so thankful that we don't have to worry about her lungs!  The fact that her lungs are in such good shape is such a testament to God's hand over Grace's body and life, as well.  She does need to put on some weight so that her lungs can grow new tissue to replace the damaged tissue that the ventilators caused (chronic lung disease).

       I am both nervous and looking forward to the bronchoscopy...this will be her third, but I don't think I will ever get used to my child be sedated and put in an OR.  As I've been processing all information over the last few weeks, I've had to deal with bitterness, resentment, anger, hurt, grief, and FEAR.  When Grace was in the NICU and hospital, I became so accustomed to seeing God work and perform miracles on her, I expected it!  When the doctors would say something was wrong, an infection, whatever, everyone would start to pray, and I KNEW, without question, that the doctors would be proven wrong.  And they always were.  Now, after some time has gone by in which we haven't had to pray for miracles, I find that I also don't expect them as easily.  I find that doubt and fear have replaced that sense of expectation that I used to live in.  And I wonder, how much does that perspective affect the outcome of what we pray for?  I WANT to believe for a miracle the way I used to,without questioning, without doubting.  I want to be able to look a doctor in the eye with confidence the way I use to, and tell him that Grace will be different than he expects or has ever seen.

     Dr. Wootten (the ENT) said that Grace would never be a professional singer....her neonatalogist said she would never be an Olympic swimmer or runner...I think "never" is a risky word to use with Grace :)